Step One: Obtain Visas
If you are a terrorist, look like a terrorist, act like a terrorist, smell like a terrorist, or dot your "i" the same way as a terrorist: you will be denied. Also, if you happen to apply too late, apply too early, or ask too many lawyers how to apply, you will be denied. Oh, and if you have been denied too many times before, you will be denied. If you have been denied, check which visa you are applying for. Apparently there is a 'right' and a 'wrong' kind.
Step Two: Inform the General Public
Facebook is a good method for doing this. Tips for annunciation: Don't start with "Guess what." They will think you're joking. Also, if you start feeling like a broken record, you believe that everyone around you has rehearsed the exact same reaction, and you find yourself experiencing many deja vous, don't panic. This is normal.
Step Three: Get Affairs in Order
This includes a variety of activities such as settling bank accounts, writing wills, hiring babysitters for goldfish, and giving useless appliances to charity. It can also involve sending bits of poetry to random contests, forging signatures, taking finals, and gift-wrapping physics textbooks. Be careful of sharp corners.
Step Four: Panic
While rummaging around the house, you may run into unopened jumbo bottles of shampoo, 6 months supply of contacts in the wrong prescription, a new gym membership from Auntie, four extra glasses cases, a case of yarn and knitting needles, and a family of mice encamped in the attic. When you realize that it is completely impossible to complete step three, the inevitable reaction typically involves some screaming, crying, stressing, nightmares, etc. Once you have thoroughly completed step four, proceed to step five immediately.
Step Five: Chocolate
This will effortlessly soothe the effects of step four. The best methods for completing step five are truffles, cookies, Hershey kisses, Andes mints, Snickers bars, and a solid Dove chocolate Santa. Gotta love Christmas!
Step Six: Evict Relatives
If relatives are currently staying in your home, make sure they are gone by T-minus zero. But wait! Before the relatives are gone, put them to good use by feeding them the leftover items in your refrigerator. Then, rent them a car and send them on their merry way, so you can proceed to step seven.
Step Seven: Pack Up House
Remember those pop-up books you used to read as a child? You would open the book, and out would jump a mansion, that would fold back to paper thin when you turned the page. I wish step seven was that easy. Unfortunately, it is not, so I would recommended boxes. Scratch that. I would recommend trucks. No, scratch that too. Just get a bulldozer.
Step Eight: Finding
Schools. Clothes. House. WiFi. Plugs. Suitcases. Plane tickets. Car rental. Trains. Vacation spots. Sailing clubs. Blah, blah, blah. Use the internet. Its faster.
Step Nine: Goodbyes
This is often the hardest step. (Note: if at any time this step proves too difficult, repeat step five. It really does help.) You must encrypt every face, every voice, every hug into your mind and hold them close to your heart. Take a last walk around the block, a last visit to a friend's house, a last embrace. Carry the memories with you, but don't forget to look ahead. Cast your eyes up the path to the glittering new faces, the new voices, the new block to walk around. Do not hide your face from the blurred future, but decode it - search through the smudge like an artist. Soon, the empty lines will be filled with rich colors. And as you trudge forward against adversity spitting from the sky like hail, merely tie your scarf tighter against your neck and march on through the goodbyes. It is not an ending, it is a beginning. For the memories are an eternal inferno, fuel for the cold road ahead. Friendship will never turn to ashes. Retain perspective even through the murky sea of past memories, the chaotic desperation of the present, and the fog that clouds the future. Its goodbye for now, not forever.
Step Ten: Go
Honor your promises, don't forget a toothbrush, and buy a map. Try to control your shaking hands as you step through the metal detector. Hold tight to your laptop, and take flight. And as the runway vanishes beneath your wheels, feel the wind in your wings and think only of the adventure. There is a quest waiting at your fingertips. It is time to embark upon the journey. Push your toes right up to the brink of the cliff. Don't look down. Just close your eyes, count to three, and jump.
